Mach Investigates : Noobs

Noobs, they are the epitome, stability, and the backbone of the club penguin army community. Without them, our armies would only have 10 people, all dried out no-good losers who have been in aries for so long the last time they saw their feet was when they dropped a piece of popcorn. No no, we love our veterans, but we take our recruits for granted. Is calling them “noobs” too much? Do we bully our new troops and not realize it? CPAC publishes the story, but

Mach investigates

We all know what its like to be a new recruit in the community. We step in, take a deep breath, and we are now the stupidest people in the face of xat, wordpress, and club penguin. A 35 year old with a PhD would experience the same “dumb” feeling you get when you are new cp armies. We call this weird feeling:


Highlight : Yeah thats right, I ripped off Linsanity. Actually, I didn’t!

It’s when you are so damn stupid for no damn reason. Yes, I overused the word damn, which makes me so damn stupid for no damn reason except for using the word “damn” so damn much. Okay so you’ve joined CP Armies, and now you try to “make friends”, which is what most (90%) of us do on our first day. Chances are you won’t make any friends until the end of the first week and your desperate attempts have dubbed you the army “Woton“. Before I continue through the stages, here is the research:

Day 1: Subject-728139 (Noob) is given a laptop computer, and can only access cp and cp army based websites. Subject-728139 immediately comes across the ACP, and joins. He attempts to communicate with the other troops, but repetitively smiley spams, and is firmly kicked. He asks for “white pawn” so he can kick, and he is kicked and denied the promotion.

Day 2: Subject-728139 has been talking to several people. One of them is Mustafag, who attempts to recruit him to the DCP, and fails horribly. Subject-728139 believes he now has a friend. When he finds out Mustafag is a 40 year old homosexual virgin with erectile disfunction, he runs away in fear.

Day 3: Subject-728139 has attended his first event, disobeyed orders several times, and even turned different colors and traveled with the rogues, he was promptly kicked, and when he “rage quit”, was banned for an hour to “cool down”

Day 4: Subject-728139 joins the RPF, only to find Elmokey, who is a homicidal/suicidal maniac and loves to seduce children to his lair. Subject-728139 meets two (2) new people and adds them as friends. They are the first people to befriend Subject-728139. One of them, to now be referred to as Subject-728139-A, asked him to join Rebels of Rebel Penguin Federation (RRPF). Subject-728139 accepts, and receives a co-leader rank.

Day 5: Subject-728139 is fired from RRPF and replaced by (a guy who gave me nofollow) to Subject-728139-A. Subject-728139 un-friended Subject-728139-A, and went to join the Nachos. Over at the Nachos, the massive amount of profanity scared him away, where he eventually joined the Army Republic.

Day 6: Subject-728139 makes a bond with a certain sheep. Subject-728139 decorates his cell with posters of nude sheeps posing in sexual positions.

Day 7: Subject-728139 reveals to the CP army community that he is Waterkid, and they say he was cooler as [REDACTED]. When Waterkid requested to be freed from the CSP cell (Containment of Special Penguins), he was treated to [DATA EXPUNGED]

The point of that being, Within someones first week of joining the CP army community, chances are they will only have a few (2-3) real friends and will be bullied and taunted for months and months at a time. It will take about an estimated 6 months to a year (depending on the army) to fit in. I can tell you from personal experience. I was treated better as an 08-09 cp rogue who didn’t know what cp armies were. Also, Subject-728139 was indeed Waterkid. Before I end of my post, I talked with UMA Leader and Legend Wgfv, who had this to say about noobs:

I like them

Thats my post about noobs, for now. There will be a Part 2 on noobs, a Part 2 on satire, and a new post about girls in CP armies, and why due to my penis, I am genetically related to everyone in club penguin armies.



Don’t not click this.

20 Responses

  1. Interesting post but I think you should reread it because I see spelling mistakes, unnecessary capitalization etc.


    • I’m surprised that Mach didn’t give me an interview, I’m the #2 noob in the top 10 noobs of 2012, and if Mach had an interview with me, he would understand about our generation of noobs we have now, they have changed from 2007 a lot. No one gives me an interview when they clearly know that I can give the right information. You guys are gonna be like “wtf?” and left to wonder since no one got info from me bout the noobs these days.


  2. I can name plenty noobs


  3. Pretty much accurate.


  4. It only took me about a week to fit in my army. maybe that’s just me though?


  5. I clicked the link. You could say I’m living life on the edge.


  6. LOL


  7. Awesome post! *o*
    That link is too tempting ;D
    Do the Girls of CP armies idea thing :]
    Also, some people fit into armies really quickly. It only took me a week. And yeah, noobs can be awesome 😛


  8. baa? Waterkid making a bond with a certain sheep? O:
    What was the name he used D: HE LIKE HATES THE IDEA OF SHEEPLIGION (aka the Sheep cult. but i prefer u call it sheepligion)
    Maybe he tried to get close to me to steal my grass O: jk.


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