Behind The CPAC Curtain, Before Woton Returns from the Dry Cleaner's

Thanks to Bluesockwa1 for helping me make this post.

As I’m writing this, Bluesockwa1 is firing his shotgun in the upper office at the poster of the moron who has pissed him off last. He’s been asked to moderate the ACP 3ic Debate between Splashy and Swimmer, and responded saying, quote, “If I can moderate with a shotgun in my hand then sure” They said no. So as I’m sitting here hoping the floor doesn’t cave in, I’ve decided to write this post.

Last I saw, Bluesockwa2 was playing with a few dolls.

Blue2 Edit: Action Figures

And some fool is waiting in the next room for Bluesockwa1 to review his application (poor sucker). I can hear the noob riots outside of the building as I type, screaming about the top ten.

I’m fairly sure SMAC has hacked into my computer, so If anything happens in the post that’s random, don’t blame —

I’ve just finished reading through a stack of applications, and I am not impressed. I half hope Bluesockwa1 comes down here and take a look, then I remember that he’s upstairs with that picture.

Now, It’s almost three in the morning as I sip on the gritty coffee from the CPAC Breakroom, where I have three tabs open: one for typing this post, one for Twitter, and one for watching funny videos of YouTube.

So, you may ask, what is CPAC? What do we do around here? Well I really don’t know. Since I’m somehow snagged myself the Associate Producer position by whining about ACP. But in case you’re wondering, we work in a fairly organized way. Most of us have offices, however I switch between the breakroom and the trash can outside of Blue1’s office.

Zak: If you go in my office, do not open the bottom left drawer, or I swear to god.

One time after Blue had left (which happens at like 1AM since he practically lives there- he might as well become a CPACentralian Monk), I snuck into his room and opened up the floorboards under his desk, where I knew he kept the good stuff: the moonshine, twenty-three skidoos, whatever. The booze.

Know why CPAC’s coffee is so gritty? Because Blue spends all of the beverage money on his booze. And every night he sneaks out to the Dunkin’ Donuts ’round the corner and steals a box or two from the Indian guy at the cash register, and runs as the guy tells him Buddha shall smight him.

But anyway, I search through the floor (and broke a Smirnoff in the process), but I eventually found Blue1’s personally crafted brand:

And as I sat there, sipping (ok chugging) down this premium bottle o’ booze, I thought about how I got here, and where I’d been. And it came to mind what Blue1 said to me the day I came into his office as he was reloading his shotgun.

Riot: “Blue, [expletive deleted] wants to boycott. We really need to do something and asg)ISOJf asp9ofabusF asOfbjSDG

Blue: Riot babe, there’s a party. Have a drink. We’ll screw them over later, and if we lose- well, if we lose, we’ll go out in style.

And he cracked open a premium bottle of “F**k you Woton”.



DISCLAIMER: Bluesockwa1 was responsible for all custom pictures, along with everything written after, “So, you may ask, what is CPAC?” Riot was responsible for everything before, the title, and all other respective work.

13 Responses

  1. All things written are written for comedy’s sake, and not meant to insult any army or Godfatha Woton. *wary*

    I WAS PAID TO SAY THIS *le troll*


  2. I have an office dear sir, It’s that large one with the giant window *wary*


  3. the hell does NOGAS stand for


  4. If it came from a pink box that says Barbie, it’s NOT an action figure, its a doll xD


  5. :O


  6. Glad to see CPAC isn’t too serious anymore.

    Anyway, thought I should let a certain Blue know he is the Redd Report’s BAMF of the Week! Congrats and Mazel tov!


  7. Riot, now I own a office *hello*


  8. What did I just read…?

    And for the record I did not make that edit…while the two of you were off boozing it up last night and wiriting this post… I was working on the site. (WARY)


  9. Haha.


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